J's Journal

jivekernel @ 2006-07-21T13:00:00

2006-07-21T03:07:25Z

"... It was like having a deep splinter pulled. There was the dragging pain of the extraction, and then the clean sting of fresh blood flowing. Something clamped tight inside her suddenly eased. He had been right. She did not have to grip her pain. She could let it go. The memory was still there. It had not vanished, but it had changed. It was a memory, a thing from her past. This wound could close and heal. The injury done to her was over. She did not have to keep it as a part of herself. She could allow herself to heal. Her tears were diluted in the rain that ran down her face...."

jivekernel @ 2006-07-20T11:03:00

2006-07-20T01:03:54Z

old pictures yay :P

rarrgh bored :P

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul.

You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have.

Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone.

You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

How Is Your Inner Child?

jivekernel @ 2006-06-30T12:52:00

2006-06-30T02:56:19Z

I have to get my wisdom teeth out!! :(

Also, the start of the song this time imperfect by AFI makes me unbearably sad.

I want to write a book, the irony being my dyslexia is worse than ever.

There is more but i dont know how to express it, had a lot on my mind.

Ho hum ups and downs, thats life i guess :P

I should get out more..

Heya

2006-05-09T04:13:45Z

So i was driving around last night, decided to drop in at my friends place in north sydney.

I got lost

Like

Real Lost...

Some how i ended up in manly and all the way up to palm beach and back again and vice versa etc.

Anyways, the interesting thing is that i was driving towards the city the back way (through st. ives etc.) and i was deep in thought about my brother. I miss him very much, haven't spoken to him since he went overseas some time last year. I thought it was uncanny how after thinking that, i took the very drive he loved to drive and i connect to him alot, it also reminded me alot of my childhood. Being 8 years old, going to the beach, then going home etc. I look back at it now, and all my memories are picturesque, like spiritual in a sense.

I have come to believe everyone is connected, but that and it's implications is a subject for another day.

I've always thought myself spiritual, in a not so very concieted way. Seriously though, i got told that my aura is always yellow, then look at this:

EXPRESSION

Your Expression number reveals your physical and mental constitution, the
orientation or goal of your life. Some numerologists refer to this number as the
Destiny, because it represents a lifelong target at which you are aiming. You
work at fulfilling this potential every day of your life. Thus, the Expression number
reveals your inner goal, the person you aim to be.
The Expression number reveals the talents, abilities, and shortcomings that
were with you when you entered your human body. Your name, and the numbers
derived from it, reveals your development, as well as the talents and issues you
will be working with during this life.
For those for whom reincarnation is an accepted philosophy, the vibration of
your full name can be seen as the totality of your personal evolution, the
experiences, talents, and wisdom accumulated over many life times. Every
experience, no matter how great or small, along this evolutionary path has
influenced your development, and brought you to your current state of being.
The Expression is your being; the Life Path is the major lesson you are
attempting to learn this time around. Time allows the gradual emergence of your
personality. By reading the Expression number below, you will come to
understand your basic nature and the abilities and issues inherent in your being.

Your Expression is 11/2

Jason, yours is the most highly charged Expression number of all. You are like
a lightning rod, attracting powerful ideas, intuitions, and even psychic information
like unpredictable bolts.
You are a powerful presence without any awareness on your part of having
personal power. You are a channel for higher vibrations. But in order to be
emotionally and psychologically at peace, you must learn to control that flow of
energy. You possess a bridge between the unconscious and the conscious. The
trouble is that the unconscious is an infinite resource, while consciousness by
definition is a limited arena. The two are therefore at odds until they can learn to
live in harmony with each other. This is where control comes in. Until you are
able to control the flow of energy from this infinite source, you may feel like a
victim of its whimsy, thrown about by emotional turmoil and nervous tensions.
Jason, you have always sensed that you are different, but it was an indefinable
feeling. You are enormously sensitive and aware, especially as a child. This
made you vulnerable to all conflicts and painful situations. For most of your
upbringing, however, you did not realize that other people did not possess the
same sensitivity, nor did they see the same things you were seeing. This caused
a great reservoir of emotion that was dammed up behind an inability to express
your feelings, even to yourself. For this reason, most 11 Expressions have a
difficult childhood. Your extreme sensitivity made you very shy as a child. This
usually manifests in adulthood as hesitation and acute vulnerability. You are very
careful about sharing your feelings with others and choosing your friends.
You compensated for your sense of separation in childhood by creating an
elaborate fantasy world. You daydreamed more than other children. You have a
lively imagination and even in adulthood have a hard time separating reality from
fantasy.
Jason, your challenge is to bring forth your primitive, earthy strength. You need
to be grounded in order to deal with your lightning bolts. The more you are able to
call upon your inherent human strength, the greater your capacity to take
advantage of your extremely sensitive awareness. Once this is accomplished,
your antagonist becomes your benefactor.
You are highly emotional and dependent upon relationships. Emotionally, you
go up and down with the fortunes of your love life.
You are idealistic, impractical, and at times disorderly. You are often
unrealistic in your expectations.
Your reasons for doing things are usually born of a mixture of logic, emotion,
and intuition, which can rarely be explained satisfactorily to your more rational
associates.
The 11 Expression is the number most dependent upon other core numbers in
your chart for insight into your vocation. The 11 charges every area it enters, but
it needs a grounding vocation and discipline to be effective.
A balanced 11 is one of the most unique and impressive of all people. It is
gifted with insight and illumination, which it can transmit to others. This makes
you a natural teacher in whatever area you enter.

Answers alot of questions for me *nod*

I am not putting everything down here, but for reasons unknown. Something is stopping me for putting all i want too.

I guess some things need to be done differently, but how?

Hey you

2006-04-20T02:12:41Z

Well, i've really no idea where to begin, i mean, it's been a while since i really, properly used this. I keep wanting to like, do a "life post" that would go for days but i just cant seem to get it started, oh well. I'm sure i'd tread on peoples toes anyways, cause i feel i wouldnt hold back. Hey maybe some things just aren't meant to be recorded :P heh i know i will do it some day though, maybe when my thoughts are in more order :P

Going through a heap of crap with the real estate at the moment, dunno who knows but basically we lived with raw sewerage flowing into the backyard and the owner constantly on the property. It became too much so we decided to do something about it, and so far there have been death threats and really an alround feeling of malice. This guy is just plain mean, it's all a bit too much for me and been kinda overwhelmed by it all, happy that my job has taken me away from it.

Speaking of which, in the last month they have sent me on tour twice, basically given me a van for half of the time i've been with them, treated me like an actual PERSON. So much for staging connections... Heh i had fun at four points when i worked there, incited feelings of "get the hell outta stag. conn." from the crew there, with stories of how much better other companys are. Really, stag. conn. didnt give a fuck about anyone below head office, the fact that i couldnt get the form that would of enabled me to get disability payments from centrelink when my elbow was shattered simply because the HR guy "cbf"... I guess that's when i kinda lost my ethic for that company, i dont want to make a profit for a company that doesnt give a fuck about me or any of the other people that really make the company run. Heh i'd like to start stopwork thingi with s.conn. but i know, i'd be ignored. Meh, why people put up with crap for their work is beyond me, but i really can't comment, i did the same thing with the that company for a long, long time.

On a brighter side of the times, my lil sis is now double digits!! She is already breaking out in pimples which means the terrible teens is not too far away. Tis cool with me though, i'm just waiting for my lil bro n sis to call upon me and dan, the older brothers with attitude :D hell yeah, no-one will give our lil siblings crap, me and dan made a pact on that.

I should use this as an oppurtunity to thank my mum for everything, even though she'll never read this, who knows who will? But still, if it wasn't for my mum, i guess i'd be one of the no hopers that never made it anywhere, cept into an abusive state, which would of killed me. I guess i want a family, and the most positive attitude for it. I know if it wasnt for mum, i'd be in nowhereville without even my S.C raising a family in a drug fuelled, corrosive environment, which would of depressed me to no end. I dunno, i'm happy i've squared things out with mum, family really is all you have in the end, and the relationships with friends that go back to the early days of childhood, and hopefully one day, a relationship. Meh, know i'm not in the state of mind for one of those!!! :P

Umm what's been happening lately, well, i'm living at my grandmas with my cousin who is going to uni here and she is over from south africa. She is WILD!!! but very, very cool.=) She is cool to talk to about stuff, she approaches everything from a very unbiased, accepting point of view, but dont get her angry!! Heh, spicy firecracker, does that whole click'n'shake the finger kinda thing, very funny =)

I feel disonnected from my friends which is nothing new, but this time i am at loss for why i feel that way. The people i'm socialising with a very cool at the moment. I guess it's cause they are starting to go out alot more than we used to, and i know im not really ready yet for going out into old places, namely newtown :P. Dunno why i feel intimidated by the place, just memories i guess. Heh it's funny though, all of us are falling into a sort of routine which i guess will hold us for a few years yet, the mighty transition from young adult to adult. Cept for phill, i dont think he'll ever grow up! Great guy though, really cracks me up =) Phill if you read this you are the most valuable connection i've made in the last year, dont change man, you're cool!=)

Isn't it crazy just how connected we all are, from people i knew from the coast connecting with people i started working with, to going from there and meeting other people, then catching up with people from boarding school to find out they know the same people as well, and vice versa. Has made for some interesting insights into the people you know, which is cool. Make it a point not to associate with people who say mean things about other people, i'm over negative emotions. It's not worth that feeling in the bottom of your heart.

Man i hate being sad..

On that note, i hope to hear from all of you that i hold dear soon, as i come around on the up and up! OHHHH, it's decided, i AM going to get a big fat cruiser motorcycle, cause they are sexy and riding bikes is the most exhilirating feeling in the world!! Ohhhh and my hair is now past my chin, very close to shoulder length now, and very, very straight.

Ok guys'n'girls, take care and be cool =) *hugs*

small entry

2006-03-29T01:02:57Z

havent done this in ages on account of no computer type things for me to blog on etc.

but!!

yeah, back at my grandma's again, got a job with a diff. av company and a whole heap of stuff

Will do worthy post when i can be bothered/have time, till then, take care buddy bears.

Quiz time yet again!

2005-11-10T09:08:29Z

Protector

The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla

another 5-6 hours at work, yippee :p

Gawd, say hallelujah!

2005-11-10T07:09:35Z

Morpheus

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Sweeeet i find the one! mwahaha

Work tonight till who knows when then more of it tomorrow. Cursed November!!!!

It is hot and sticky.

I feel like stabbing grilled salmon. mmmm

I am random yay!!

Everyone needs to have weekend week off for a house warming!

stuffs!!

strawberries!!!

2005-10-14T05:48:34Z

SOOO MANY OF THEM

mmmmmm

I'm eating kilo's of them every day, SOME AS BIG AS THE PALM OF YOUR HAND!!!

mwahahaha

Sooo tasty!

So here i am, being the farmer bogan north-west of byron, living on a farm!! Waking up early in the morning, picking through to the middle of the day and then packing and selling at various places. Did you know there are different breeds of strawberries?? We have two types on the farm, one which is sweet the day it is picked, which we use for the side of the road, and the other which is very sweet 3-4 days after they are picked, which is used for the shops. Very cool people to work with everyone is laid back which is lots of fun. Only problem is the fucking march flies, THEY FUCKIN HURT!!!

Hmm what else?

The cows are pretty cool, very tame but man! they stink like hell. My fave has to be the chicken coop. My dad made it from an old caravan and they have like 50 chooks that are all very tame, you can pat them and everything. Heh you come out with food and it is like chicken run, i love it. They talk too, i swear!! I lock them in the van at night and you say "Good night girls!" and all these chooks pipe up at once! Then you say "I know it was a good day!" and there they go again! Heh they always have to have the last word, you cant win against them. Just like chicks i say ;)

My arm is getting better, totally off the pain killers now and i can almost straighten it fully. Having some problem getting it to go the other way though. Looking forward to returning to work in november, get some serious cash over the busy period, hopefully enough to take yet another holiday :P around the quiet period.

Well, i cant think of more to say but i'll be sure to get some pictures so you guys can see what i'm talking about, oh and i'll bring a few kilos of strawbs when i come back down!

Seeyas!!!

Black books...

2005-09-15T04:13:59Z

I must of watched the first season like 10 times now in the last week, though that's not a bad thing because it's one of the funniest shows i've ever seen. I went looking for the first season the other day and i couldnt find it anywhere, so as a last, desperate measure i decide to check leading edge music where i discover two things. One was the box set of all three seasons of black books *dance*, and the other, Opeth are in the top 40 on the aussie charts. I mean whoa!!! i used to be on an e-mail basis with mikael before blackwater park. Sad to say all the success is making him just a teensy bit arrogant.

Just looking around my room at my folks place... ergh. Central coast ppl are the messiest i know and they always leave before you start cleaning up, GRRRR.

My arm really hurts =( I'll take a photo of it and post it here when i can find the energy

Time for weetbix me thinks

Ciao!

lazy point form...

2005-09-12T01:54:54Z

~ My hair is long enough to eat!!

~ My eyes seems to be blue-r(spelling anyone?)

~ My hair seems to bde blonde-r(ditto?)

~ I'm starting to get more feeling back into my ring and pinky fingers, as well as my elbow.

~ I'm losing weight even though i'm doing nothing. :P

~ I'm constantly dreaming about cigarettes, haven't had one in over 3 months.

~ I HAVE A WICKED BIG SCAR THAT IS AROUND 15CM'S LONG! There are even scars where the needle punctured my arm sowing it up!

~ I bought around $250 worth of books for 65 bucks!

~ I'm halfway through the dark tower.

~ I slept for the first time last night without pain killers.

~ I missed both nin shows. =(

~ I'll be going to butterfly effect.

~ I had some weird dreams last night, one where i owned a monkey (THAT WAS COOL) and one of the others i set up a concert in my housemates room and phill was a drummer in one of the bands.

~ I'm being affected more and more by soppy movies.

~ The new opeth album rocks, although i do need suggestions for more music.

~ My brother unexpectadly got back from my fathers place up north and proceeded to disappear straight away without seeing the family. I'm quite worried, he sounded emotionally dead every time i talked to him while he was there up north. I've decided to change my name to my mothers maiden name and i'm coming to realise deep down i truly despise my father.

~ I'm up on the central coast and nothing has changed (surprise!!:P), i swear this is the place time forgot.

Heh point form is very lazy, i like it. ;)

~ Our home brew is going good, going to buy another one when i can realistically afford it.

~ We have an old man named sam that goes through and takes our rubbish, he is quite interesting to chat to altough his accent is very thick and sometimes nigh undecipherable.

~ Haven't been able to play guitar properly :(, i want to get lessons in metal and classic, just need to find an accommodating teacher, i should get in contact with my old head of music at joeys, although i think he is at riverview now.

~ My fear of people and socialising is slowly coming back.

~ I'm out of points, take care everyone!!

i'm broken

2005-08-17T03:48:03Z

hey guys n girls

late last thurs night i was wrestling with phill and after some complex moves my arm got broken.

I found out from the doctor that the bone between my elbow and shoulder and my elbow as well was basically shattered.

I go for an operation tomorrow and i won't ever get full mobility back into that arm.

The saddest thing though is that i miss the nin show on friday, hopefully though i will make the saturday show =P

so i'm off work for the next 3 months or so and i'm getting benefits off centre link. The irony of being angry at certain people and now...

*shrugs*

beck, have fun at nin on friday!!!

Passing time..

2005-08-06T08:51:47Z

with a game stolen by other lj'ers out there (i'm too lazy for rich text mode :P) Just type your name in quotes in goolge i.e "Jason is" and select ten, like below!

Jason is nominated for a Harvey Award in the category Best American Edition of Foreign Material

Jason is out of the house

Jason is not going to support himself through advertising

Jason is Alive!

Jason is a sad little pud

Jason is an instant killing machine

Jason is in the basement battling with Tina

Jason is freed from his watery grave

Jason is somewhat of a misnomer

and the best!!

Jason is an expert in some kind of martial arts <----!!!!

ok time to get back to work

Drooop..

2005-08-04T22:37:05Z

Sooo tired...

My eyes are drooopy, so verrry droooopy

All i can imagine is lots of z's

Flying everywhere they are all around me

What an exciting morning

Seriously though, last night was fun! Started off with the purchase of a STEAMER!$@*($ and then PORK BUNS!)*&@&$(ninja style, of course) and three random drinks two of which i couldnt identify, for the purposes of random asian style drink if you dare type game. From that, i can seriously recommend you track down fanta LACTIC!! cause it tastes like splice in a can, it was lucious and scrumptious and very delectable!! One of the other drinks was like dr pepper but really crap and the other, heh makes me laugh thinking about it, the other drink i took one smell of and knew i was out of the game. Phill stepped up though and when he took a swig, this strange look came over his face as he muttered "oh god..." and was almost sick in the corner of aldi! I love strange asian drinks night ;)

Umm stuff, i feel like bacon and egg plus stuff stuff

I ran into an old friend last night as well, who accused me of never keeping in touch. I kindly pointed out to her that she has always been the social one AND she knows i don't go out that much etc. etc. Anyways it ended up with hugs and some good ole times to be had were promised.

I gotta go my boss walked in and that means no computer for me.

OHHH they moved me to the westin, busiest venue in the city i say YES to 20 hour days

Well not really but i'll deal with it when it happens

seeya!!

mmm

2005-07-29T02:31:48Z

chips and grilled chicken

why does healthy food have to taste so crap compared to this?!?

I bought an..

2005-07-28T08:16:05Z

ORGAN!!! YEAH!

I like it, it's big and loud and goes pop!!! Hehe seriously though, went looking around all the furniture shops today just looking for random stuffs and there was a ORGAN (of doom) sitting there, FOR ONLY 40 BUCKS!!! It's one of those old style chuch organs with the two keyboards and footpedals and various other effects, i is happy happy *nod*

Umm what else?? Work has been quiet, then again menzies doesnt know the meaning of busy so that's no suprise :P. House issues are slowly getting better (i hope) even tough today there was some recession, almost got as angry as i have been getting. I don't like being angry it makes not having cigarettes that much harder. Almost seven weeks now!!! *hurrah*\

With the decision to quit smoking came the decision to go healthy, went down to lè shopping centre and bought a trolley worth of food and there was no chips or lollies, chocolate or even soft drink!! Hence i haven't been eating ;p~ Bought a carton of lo-carb beer yesterday but i don't think that will last. I can give up everything, just not sweet sweet precious delicious scrumdiddlyumpcious full strength full carb beer! mmmmmm

Want to start going to gym and work of this belly i've slowly built over time, it's coming to the point where no amount of holding it in will hide it's presence. Apparently i look cuddly though, BAH!!!!

Broken finger is supposed to be healing good, altough i bumped it in a rumble with claude and phill and it has turned an angry purplish colour, not good. :/

Tonight will see a beef satay with rice and stuffs and a trek down the road to acquire two more lounges (of doom) AND the consumption of much beery goodness ANDDDD some sleep. Exciting.

This weekend i'm going to mm9 at the newtown rsl and possibly other stuffs i don't know of as yet.

Oh well i better go do some work, being this lazy takes it out of me :P

So much time to pass

2005-07-08T05:14:58Z

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1049&NEXTID=0&PREVID=1015&DISPLAYORDER=20040614110542&CAT=pics&NSFW=0&page=6

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1263&NEXTID=0&PREVID=0&DISPLAYORDER=20040427121914&CAT=pics&NSFW=0&page=7

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1148&NEXTID=0&PREVID=1143&DISPLAYORDER=20040206000008&CAT=pics&NSFW=0&page=8

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1102&NEXTID=0&PREVID=1112&DISPLAYORDER=20040121000022&CAT=pics&NSFW=0&page=8

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=497&NEXTID=0&PREVID=384&DISPLAYORDER=20030122000017&CAT=pics&NSFW=0&page=16

jivekernel @ 2005-07-08T14:33:00

2005-07-08T04:33:52Z

this is a very funny animation

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=2195&NEXTID=0&PREVID=2204&DISPLAYORDER=20050417221814&CAT=pics&NSFW=0&page=1

jivekernel @ 2005-07-08T13:41:00

2005-07-08T03:42:54Z

Anyone got any ideas for passing time??

jivekernel @ 2005-07-08T12:49:00

2005-07-08T03:14:35Z

I haven't had a cigarette in 18 days!! Did it cold turkey too and i've already been through the hardship of a big night out. I feel special

Also, does anyone know where to get cheap furniture, rugs/carpets, bookshelves etc.

I have a craving to deck out my room and make it my lil hidey hole, decked out with the best in electronic distractions from reality!

I also have started to finally buy cd's and books. I've got a fair few cd's, mainly opeth and nin and i've started the dark tower series. Good book but it didnt last long, i can't afford to go through a book every couple of days, especially at 35 a pop. Fear and loating in las vages was a very interesting read as well, almost every line in the movie is directly taken from book, but hey, big suprise there! :P I've got so many more books on my list, same with cd's, but i forgot how expensive leasing a place really is.

umm, stuff... i've got hours to burn here and nothing to do, i'd goto borders but i'd give into temptation and buy stuff, same goes if i go anywhere else. I got more bills this week than what i got paid!:/ cursed broken finger, i thought it'd be easy to go without my right hand, BUT NO!! :P

Been playing guitar and actually writing some decent heavy stuff, all i need is to tie it down with my clean stuff and then get a band. Already got a vocalist (hey phill) and am damn sure other guitarists are right on hand. I should teach chris drums, i think he'd be alot better at smashing the crap out of a kit than try and be melodic in any sense. But what style to go? I write alot of softer sounding stuff, but i need to deviate in between keys n musical stuffs like that. I have a feeling i should call up my old teacher at school, met him a while ago and he was keen to help me find people that work around my schedule. If he could do that i'd be greatful, especially since i threw the offer to play in the school band in his face. Stupidest thing i ever did, you dont get a chance to learn jazz bass every day.

Also gonna follow phill's lead and go and see alot more bands live, i need to get out more *nods*. Would be a good oppurtunity to meet new people. That little ball of energy (phill) has already seen countless bands this year, i used to know the number but i forgot it. All i remember is, it's big!!! Heh he blew almost a months wages on tickets.

crazy

so yeah, stuffs.

It's been a while...

2005-07-07T23:19:37Z

Heya peeps!

It's been a while, and i've not much time to talk and i don't know where to begin. I'll be sure to start posting more in the future but for now, i'll leave you with something that should make you smile!

I've been put back at the menzies and since i'm now again in hotel land, the state of my hair was unacceptable. I mean really, I kept it clean, so WHAT if it was LONG?!?! Anyways, i went and got a haircut and told the nice lady with the sharp scissors to be gentle, and i wanted to keep my hair long but just get the back of my hair of the collar. She did just that! Heh, the smiley part of the whole ordeal is that at certain times i have a very very girly haircut. Chris thinks i look like a girl from certain angles now, it really doesn't bother me that much though cause i'm not very masculine =P

Ok guys'n'girls, i gotta go, take care!!

jivekernel @ 2005-02-25T00:39:00

2005-02-24T13:42:51Z

I just realised something...

Family... that's all you've got, that's all you can rely on.

I refuse to be filled with anger, i need to remedy it, changes are taking place.

Another chapter opens.. but this time i'm not filled with trepidation, i only have optimism. The future is bright.

jivekernel @ 2005-02-09T11:43:00

2005-02-09T00:47:15Z

I feel like crying, but the tears never come.

I miss my nan

Spam Time!!!

2005-02-09T00:16:08Z

http://www.kontraband.com

Very very funny stuff, great for boring days at work

Here's a taste

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1204&rtn=main-topten <-- kid getting shot at with a bb gun

Ouch

2005-02-05T11:42:28Z

My nipple hurts